


Cake

by ceywoozle, UpYourStreet (orphan_account)



Series: One Word Bottomjohn Prompts [39]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: AU, All Dialogue, Bakery AU, M/M, john eats too much cake, sherlock is incredibly fixated on his cream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 23:59:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3400940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceywoozle/pseuds/ceywoozle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/UpYourStreet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>part of the one work bottomjohn prompt series.</p><p>Bakery AU in which Sherlock is a baker and John is his best customer. All dialogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cake

**Author's Note:**

> RP style dialogue fic.
> 
> UpYourStreet as Sherlock.  
> ceywoozle as John.

**John:** Hello?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, what?

 **John:** Oh. Yeah, hi. Sorry, didn’t see you back there.

Erm. Right. I was wondering if you do requests. For, you know. Cakes. Special cakes. Special request…cakes.

 **Sherlock:** Have a look around. I do all sorts of cakes. The ones over there on the left are my most popular looks for birthdays. That’s what you’re here for, a birthday, isn’t it?

 **John:** Ah, no. Not exactly. I saw those. They’re very nice. I was looking for something a bit more…specific.

 **Sherlock:** Here, sketch it out for me.

 **John:** Oh. Right. Sure. Ah. Just…like that. And a bit…you know. There. And

……

Yep. That’s. About it.

 **Sherlock:** I see.

Well.

I’m very sorry, I don’t do those sorts of cakes here. This is a high class bakery. I make _creations,_  not jokes.

 **John:** No, it’s not…not a joke. Well. Sort of a joke. But it’s…listen. My sister’s getting married to another woman and it’s…just…you know. For fun. Ha ha.

 **Sherlock:** There are plenty of other bakeries in London who would gladly cater to such a ridiculous request.

 **John:** Yes, but. Look, this is the one with the nicest cakes. Don’t you have someone else in the back who can do this one?

I can pay extra.

You know. If that’s what you want.

 **Sherlock:** I am an award winning pastry chef and you’re asking me to make a cake shaped like a human male’s penile member.

 **John:** ….

Yeah. You know what, just forg—

 **Sherlock:** I’ll take the case.

Keep your money

 **John:** Really? I mean. Oh. Right. Okay. Thank you.

 **Sherlock:** I’ve just thought of the look on my brother’s face when he realises. This will be my nicest cake yet, I assure you.

Sherlock Holmes, by the way.

 **John:** Right. Well, that’s. I’m glad you’re getting something out of it. John Watson, by the way. And yeah, I know who you are. My sister’s mad about your cream…something…whatever it is. Something with cream, anyway.

 **Sherlock:** My cream is delightful, it’s true.

Would you like to sample some?

 **John:** I…ah…have to go.

 **Sherlock:** Oh, that’s fine. Plenty more of my cream will be here if you change your mind.

 **John:** Er—

 **Sherlock:** Well, John, I’ll phone you when the cake is finished. I promise it won’t disappoint.

 **John:** Oh. Sure. Ta then.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Hello?

 **Sherlock:** John Watson?

 **John:** Speaking.

 **Sherlock:** Your penis is finished.

 **John:** I…who is this?

 **Sherlock:** Sherlock Holmes, and your penis is ready.

 **John:** I…

 **Sherlock:** The cake.

 **John:** Oh! Oh, right. Ha! Yeah I thought you meant something—right. Okay. I’ll be by in an hour.

 **Sherlock:** Fine. Goodbye.

 **John:** Goodb—hello? Christ.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Hello!

 **Sherlock:** Ah, John! Just under fifty six minutes, impressive. Come around back, please. Follow me.

Oh, here’s some of my cream, if you’re interested, by the way.

Annnnd your cake.

 **John:** I—around back? Wait. What? Oh. OH. Ooooh. That’s…that’s impressively realistic.

I mean…

Wow. Really. Wow.

 **Sherlock:** Isn’t it just? I used a model, I made sure to make it to scale, scaling up, obviously, and as realistic as I could. I’ve already submitted photos of it to several competitions. I filled it with a generous amount of my cream, too.

 **John:** Your…cream. Right. Wow. Alright then. Thank you. Very much. This is…this is…wow.

 **Sherlock:** Yes, it is rather impressive. You still haven’t tasted my cream. I assume you’ll be eating this cake, yes? You should try it. I win money with this. Here, I’ve got a bowl of it just— there we go, just scoop some up with your fingers. Oh, and your lesbian sister will hate this cake, by the way.

 **John:** I—mmmphh!

 **Sherlock:** Yes, my thoughts exactly!

 **John:** You just stuck your fingers in my mouth!

 **Sherlock:** I washed them.

 **John:** That’s not the p—not the—right, okay, but this cream is incredible.

 **Sherlock:** I know.

 **John:** No but really. Really incredible.

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Here’s your cake, then. You’re on your own transporting it.

 **John:** Yeah, course. Alright. Ta, then.

Oh! Hold up, how much do I owe you?

 **Sherlock:** Nothing at all, John.

Ah, just one more thing, John. Don’t let your sister know I made the cake based on my penis. Might throw her off a bit.

 **John:**.…

_Your—_

**Sherlock:** I’ve got to dash, Mrs. Hudson can see you out if you’re having trouble

Goodbye, John Watson!

 **John:** Wait  _your_  p—

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Oh. Hello. Fancy seeing you here.

 **Sherlock:** I work here.

 **John:** Ha. Yeah. Course you do. Sorry. Hello.

 **Sherlock:** Hello, John. How was the cake? Your limp is back.

 **John:** The cake was incredible. Clara even forgave me for it being in the shape of your—a penis. Limp?

I mean. Not your penis. Your penis isn’t limp.

 **Sherlock:** My cakes tend to foster good will in others.

My penis isn’t what you’re here for, is it, John?

 **John:** Ha ha! Ha! Ah. Are you offering? Sorry! Hahaha! Just…ignore me. Please. Please ignore me.

 **Sherlock:** What sort of cake are you looking for today?

You  _are_  here for a cake?

 **John:** Oh! A cake. Right. Of course. Of course I’m here for a cake. Why else would I—Um. I like…what kind is that one?

 **Sherlock:** Devil’s food with salted caramel filling and Italian buttercream.

 **John:** Yeah, okay, that sounds good.

 **Sherlock:** Any specific body parts?

 **John:** Is…did  _you_  make the cream?

 **Sherlock:** Oh, John. I make _all_  the cream.

 **John:** And the body parts, presumably?

 **Sherlock:** Are you feeling all right? You’re a bit red.

 **John:** Sorry, that came out wrong. Making you sound like some mad scientist. Or a…or a…um. Me? Oh, yeah. Yeah I’m great. I’m…how much for the cake then?

 **Sherlock:** I meant— did you want the cake in a specific shape? Or will round do?

 **John:** Round. Round is good. Though if you ever need a spare pair of hands—Sorry! That was…that was…I don’t know what that was. Christ. Cake. Right. How much for the cake.

 **Sherlock:** An assistant would be nice…

But nevermind that.

Round cake, then. As I figured. You’re not a square kind of person. Extra caramel filling, I think. And don’t worry about the money, it’s fine. I’ll phone you when it’s done, shouldn’t take more than a day.

 **John:** Perfect. See you then then. Then. Ha. Then. Sorry. I’m just…right.

 **Sherlock:** John?

 **John:** Goodbye!

 **Sherlock:** Have a good day.

….

What a nutter.

I like him. Mrs. Hudson! I need more caramel!

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **Sherlock:** Hello, John. Another cake already, I see. I’m thinking round again, probably less sweet than last time, and something far lighter.”

 **John:** Oh. Hello, Mr Holmes. How did you know I wanted another cake?

 **Sherlock:** ….

You are in a bakery, John.

And please, it’s Sherlock. Call me Sherlock.

 **John:** Yeah, course. Sorry. Sherlock. 

Sherlock. 

Sher _lock._

 **Sherlock:** Jo _hn_.

 **John:** Ha! Yeah. That’s. Very good. Excellent. Um. Cake?

 **Sherlock:** Yes, cake. I’ll take care of it, never mind that. Are you in a hurry? I want your opinion on something.

 **John:** I guess I’ve got a few minutes to spare.

 **Sherlock:** Try this new cream filling I’m making. I’ve been experimenting with flavours and I need second opinions. I’ll let you use a spoon this time, here.

 **John:** A spoon. I wasn’t sure you had those here. Sort of hoping you didn’t.

 **Sherlock:** I can use my fingers again if you like.

 **John:** Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh god.

I’ll just. Um. Spoon?

 **Sherlock:** Take the spoon, John.

….

Is it good? Do you like it? Why do you like it?

 **John:** It’s delicious. My god. What’s in this? Are you drugging me? This is incredible.

 **Sherlock:** It’s taken me ages to perfect this. I think it’ll win me this year’s competition.

 **John:** Bloody deserves to.

 **Sherlock:** Drugging you would be incredibly easy, John. But I don’t have time for that right now.

I’ll get your cake done. I’ll ring you again like usual, yes?

 **John:** Yeah, good. Um. What did I order?

 **Sherlock:** Earl Grey chiffon with a cream cheese glaze.

 **John:** Oh, right. I remember now. Alright. Ta, then.

 **Sherlock:** Goodbye, John.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Sherlock. Hi.

 **Sherlock:** John. You’re… early.

 **John:** Yeah, well. I was just in the neighbourhood. Passing by. That sort of thing. Thought I’d take a look at…at…cakes.

 **Sherlock:** Yes. Cakes. I have plenty, though by this point you must have tried most of them. Are you… wanting another?

 **John:** I mean, if you have any.

 **Sherlock:** I have plenty. I am a baker, you know. It’s what I do. I bake.

 **John:** Yes, well. Of course. This being a bakery and all. I suppose that’s what one does in a bakery. Bake. Unless you’re like me, then you just buy the baking. So I suppose I’ll…buy a cake.

 **Sherlock:** Excellent choice. I’ll get right on that. Round, because I know what you like; filled with my cream, the really good special kind that I also you know like; vanilla cake layers; whipped chocolate buttercream icing. Did I miss anything?

 **John:** God yes. I mean, god, no, you didn’t miss anything. That sounds…god that sounds good.

 **Sherlock:** I’m glad to hear it. I’ll put it ahead of the queue, get it done right away for you, John.

 **John:** Thank you. That’s—Listen. I really should pay.

 **Sherlock:** Nonsense, don’t worry about it right now. I’ll see you back here soon. For your cake.

 **John:** For my cake. Yeah. Bye Sherlock.

 **Sherlock:** Bye, John. I’ll— ring. you.

…

Stupid. Stupid! Why didn’t you ask him to stay? Stupid— no, Mrs Hudson, I’m fine. I’ll be back there in a tic!

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Oh. Hello.

 **Sherlock:** Hello, John. I hope you didn’t ride your bike today. I’ve your cake already.

 **John:** You have—how did you know I’d be—

 **Sherlock:** Oh, just a guess. Good one though.

 **John:** Yeah. Good guess. Um. You made me a cake.

 **Sherlock:** I made you a cake, yes. It’s er— a bit… bigger than usual. But it had to be otherwise I couldn’t make it look as nice. And I knew you’d be in, so I thought we’d try something different this time.

It’s all your favourite flavours

 **John:** This is—Jesus, that’s gorgeous.

 **Sherlock:** Lots of cream

 **John:** I love your cream.

 **Sherlock:** I’d like to give you more.

Er

That is

In. The cake.

 **John:** YEah. Yeah, course. In the cake.

 **Sherlock:** Right. The cake. What I do. I do the cakes.

 **John:** Um. Listen. This is. Jesus. I have to…go. I have to go.

 **Sherlock:** Err—do you— Oh. Uh. But. The cake? John? John?!

**…..**

I have more cream!

Don’t keep walking away!

……

He walked away.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** Jesus bloody Christ, I’m coming, I’m coming! Who the hell is trying to break down the bloody door at 10 o’clock at night—

**…..**

Oh.

 **Sherlock:** John.

 **John:** Er.

 **Sherlock:** Hello.

Here. The money you owe.

For the  _cakes._

 **John:** The money I—what?  _What?_  Jesus Christ, Sherlock, how did you even find me?

 **Sherlock:** Oh like it was hard. You aren’t exactly hiding.

You just  _left_ after I had slaved all day making that cake for you

 **John:** No, it wasn’t like—Listen, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave, I just— _Jesus bloody Christ_ that’s a lot of money.

 **Sherlock:** And you have to pay. I’m a world class pastry chef, as you’ll recall. I don’t work for cheap.

 **John:** I don’t—Jesus, Sherlock. It wasn’t—I didn’t—I was bloody stalking you for god’s sake. I swear I was about to call the police on myself. God, how pathetic do I have to be to even be having this conversation. And I can’t pay you. Jesus. I don’t keep this kind of cash—listen, I’ll send someone with my card tomorrow, yeah? That way you don’t have to—I don’t have to—we can just forget—Jesus. Jesus what the hell am I doing.

 **Sherlock:** John. I know that’s what— I knew you were— I was going to ask you out for dinner today. Before you left. I. Maybe. I mean.

…..

We could… try for… an… arrangement… You know, instead of you having to pay. We could. Think of something else.

 **John:** You were—you were going to ask me—God, why. Why would you want someone like—Wait. What…what kind of arrangement?

 **Sherlock:** Well. I mean. We could. You could… go out with me. Not as payment! Oh, god. Not what I meant— We could.  _You_  could go out with me because you wanted to and I want you to and we could forget all about the cakes if you want and I’m — or you could just have sex with me as payment! hah. haha.

 **John:** Sex with you as payment! HA! Ha! Ha. Ha ha. Ah. Um.

That’s just—

 **Sherlock:** Hilarious?

 **John:** Would you like to co—?

**Sherlock:** _Yes._

**John:** _Oh thank god._

**Sherlock:** Is that— are those my cakes? They’re bloody everywhere!

 **John:** Oh. Um. Right, well. I couldn’t really finish them all.

 **Sherlock:** God, John. Coming in all the time, asking for cakes, when you just wanted…

 **John:** Sex?

 **Sherlock:** When I just wanted…

**John:** _Sex?_

**Sherlock:** God, yes, shut up, I’m going to kiss you now.

 **John:** Oh, oka _mmpph_

 **Sherlock:** Mmh, John, you— you have on too many clothes. Off. OFF

 **John:** Christ Sherlock your hands, why are your hands— _oh god_ I like your hands

 **Sherlock:** I’m going to put my hands all over you, everywhere. Bedroom.

 **John:** God yes. Yes. Watch out for the cake—

 **Sherlock:** We need the bedrooo _ooommmphh_ —SHI-T,shit— it’s okay, it’s just— haha, stop laughing, it’s just icing—

 **John:** Here let me… _mmmmm_  god you make good icing. I can’t wait to taste the cream.

 **Sherlock:** Oh god, John, John. Yes, keep sucking my fingers, like that, like that… Bedroom, hurry. And take your clothes off!

 **John:** Fuck. SHerlock. Come on, hurry up. Hurry up. Oh  _ffuuuuuck_

 **Sherlock:** Mmm, John, my gorgeous John. You like that? You like feeling me like that? Here, open your legs, let me just— ah, god, that’s good. Suck on my fingers, get them good and wet…

 **John:** _Oh god oh god oh god_  Sherlock. Sherlock, come on. Sherlock, yes. Right there. Oh god right there right thererightthererightthere oh _ffffuuck!_

 **Sherlock:** Hold your legs up, don’t let them fall. God, look at you, look at your little hole so greedy for my fingers… opening for me, letting me inside… god, I want to fill you with my cock. Do you want that John?

 **John:** Oh Jesus, yes. Sherlock, yes. Please, please. Fuck please just fuck me. Please I need you. I need you.  _Sherlock—_

**Sherlock:**

Mmmm, ohh— I’m— fuck, fuck you’re tight—  _John!_  Ohhh my John, you feel so good around me… So hot and greedy, I can feel your hole sucking me in, you’re squeezing so hard— shit, just— relax a little, breathe… you’re so gorgeous, John. I wanted you the moment I saw you.

 **John:** _Oh my god oh my god_  oh god Sherlock.  _Sherlock._ Fuck. Just. Harder. Harder. God, please, I wanted this—forever—the second—Jesus Christ. My sister’s never heard about you. I saw you in the window one day on my way to work. She and Clara broke up last year. Oh Jesus bloody  _oh my god yes do that again_

 **Sherlock:** FUcking hell, John— you idiot, you little— you could have just… just asked me I—ohhhhhhh god, oh god, make that noise again, let me hear it, you’re so fucking good, so good— I’m so angry that you— that we wasted all this time, we could have been doing this foreverrrrrrrgod,god,god, squeeze on me like that again— I wanked to fantasies of fucking you right on the front counter so anyone could walk in and see you, see you there with my cock in your little hole and know that you were mine, mine, you’re mine—

 **John:** Yes yes god yes yours oh god Sherlock. Sherlock. Sherlock. Sherlooo _ooaaaahhh—_

 **Sherlock:** Oh fuck, yes, that’s it, I’ve got you, keep coming, keep squeezing on me, you’re so good, so good, so gooooood _ohhhhhhgodyeah_

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

 **John:** I can’t believe you used your own penis.

 **Sherlock:** I was trying to entice you.

 **John:** You sent pictures of your penis to baking competitions.

 **Sherlock:** I didn’t really. I just wanted your attention. I wanted you to take the hint. I kept offering you  _cream!_

 **John:** But you’re a bakery!

 **Sherlock:** _I took you in the back room!_  Do you think I just  _do_  that?! We were alone. In the back room. With my cream. My fingers. Your mouth. John,  _honestly_

 **John:** Yes, well—well—just…shut up and give me a bit of that cream.

 **Sherlock:** Mmm, hah, you’re so greedy. Do you know what, John? That night, I went home and masturbated with fantasies of fucking you in the back room and making you come into my bowl of cream so I could scoop it up and feed it to you…

 **John:** Oh Christ. Sherlock. I—I just—I meant—in your hair. There. Yes, there.

But you know…that other thing’s fine too.


End file.
